I mentioned in my last blog that I binged. I did. I do. And, sadly, I probably will in the future. I try not to binge, but it is something that I continue to work on. It started years ago. I’d come home from school in the afternoon and would eat as much as possible of whatever I could get my hands on. Lots of times it was butter and sugar sandwiches. Yep, you read that right. After I got married and had kids it was lots of things. A full bag of Doritos, a couple of sandwiches, and a king size Butter Finger. Michael and I, in later years, would order two whole pizza’s and eat them. Sometimes, when I was alone, I would eat an entire party size bag of chips with dip and follow it up with a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching TV.

Now that I’m working on eating healthier and losing weight, I have to be so careful about binging. I try not to even bring things into the house that will tempt me. I’ve started using a home meal delivery program that keeps me on track. However, I still order or pick up a few things like bottled water, soft drinks (diet only), coffee, sugar free creamer, and the like. What I don’t have to order that I can’t seem to stop myself from ordering is carbs. I order bags of popcorn and sometimes Sun Chips because in my head those are healthier, better options for snacking. They are…if you only eat a serving. I tell myself every time I open a bag, just one serving Angie. Every time I eat the whole bag.

Now, you may be thinking that a good way to stop this from happening is to order individual serving bags. Unfortunately, I’d just eat every individual bag in the house. It’s like I can’t stop myself and if I’m honest, I find it to be comforting. It makes me happy to eat and escape while watching a movie or reading a book. I know this is a truly unhealthy coping mechanism and I am working on it. I am trying to learn to feel and deal with my emotions instead of eating and escaping, but it’s hard. There is so much I don’t want to feel and deal with in my life, and while this blog helps, I know I still have work to do. However, I have an upcoming appointment with Dr. Yost and I’m going to talk about these struggles with him.

I’ve found that it helps me to be honest. As far as the blog goes, it helps to let people in via an online format because I don’t have to see your face or feel judged. I don’t have to see people feel sorry for me. I hate that. You see, I don’t feel sorry for myself. More than anything I am angry with myself for not being better. I hate that food is a weakness for me and I hate that I lose control. Can anyone relate? If you can, I hope you too will talk with your primary care provider. Let’s work on this together!

I appreciate all of you who are hanging in there with me and reading these blogs. Knowing you care enough to read, makes me braver, stronger, and helps me hold myself accountable. I’m trying to feel instead of eat, process and write instead of binge. I’m trying to learn to eat to live and not live to eat. It’s not going to be an easy or short journey, but I’m glad you are here with me. Today I am trying and that has to be enough. I hope it is. As always please let me know your thoughts, or questions at livingwell@arh.org. Thank you for joining me on this journey